I really didn’t want to write a post like this. Seriously, you have to believe me. I mean, what’s the point of setting aside over 1,000 words for an opponent that’s 3-6? Isn’t that like setting aside over 1,000 words about your upcoming fight with a 12-year old? Doesn’t that just make you seem petty?
I hate the Minnesota Vikings. Hate them. H-A-T-E them. I despise them. I know I’ve written about this before, but right now, I frankly don’t care. I’m going to write about it again. Besides, something tells me you don’t mind.
I hate their fans, these dellusional psychopaths who really, truly believe the team they root for is on-par with ours. Yeah, because divisional championships and the “glory days” that consist of four Super Bowl losses in seven years is really equal with 12 – let me say that again, 12! – world championships. Bud Grant. Vince Lombardi. I get them confused all the time, too!
I hate that they base their whole sick existence on us, some of them running what claim to be Vikings “blogs”, but are really just sad, sorry excuses for taking shots at Packers fans and/or the good people of Wisconsin. Yeah, ’cause the people here in Minnesota are so much smarter. Do me a favor – go spend a day in Coon Rapids or Blaine and THEN tell me that. Apparently their trailer parks and mullets are much more glamorous than those you have in Wisconsin.
And, no, I’m not telling you which site I’m talking about. He’s a pathetic loser and he and the rest of his flunkies won’t get any pub from me.
I hate that they care oh-so-much about their team, only to quickly revert to not caring at all once the chips are down. Seriously, you want the pattern 99.9 percent of them follow? Here it is:
August: Talk your team up to no end. Go way overboard with it, in fact. Make up stupid sayings like “Destination: Dallas” and “Mission to Miami.”
September and October: Depending on how the Vikings start, they either a) become an even more insufferable group of jackasses or b) act like they don’t care.
November and December: Again, record depending, the “insufferable jackass” meter reaches near record-highs OR they begin to focus more on your team than theirs, uttering truly moronic statements like “well, it doesn’t matter if we aren’t winning it all. YOUR team isn’t, either.” Oh, so that’s how that goes, huh?
January: If the Vikings are going on a playoff run, well, again, there’s that “insufferable jackass” meter hitting the red. If they’re done, hey, who cares? There’s so much to do here! Their lives aren’t about football. Right, because the lines to get in to the Guthrie Theater are around the block.
February: Celebrate their team’s Super Bowl win. Oh, wait a minute…
Remember, Vikings fans, we sat through every single gut-wrenching minute of 4-12 in 2005 and 6-10 in 2008. From game one to game 16, we cared exactly the same. You might remember the 2008 season - it’s the one where you guys couldn’t sell out a home playoff game without help from the team’s sponsors. But, yeah, you care too, right?
Now, you’re probably asking: “Chris, you live there – surely you have some friends who are Vikings fans, right?” Yeah, I do. But as Chris Rock once famously said about having female friends, it’s all by accident.
I hate their stadium. It’s a dump, a toilet. No one likes going there. No one. I’m a University of Minnesota alum. The Gophers used to play there. The only reason ANYONE went to those brutal 11 a.m. kickoffs? Because they sold alcohol to underage students. Seriously, they checked I.D.s as stringently as Brett Favre avoiding sending cell phone pictures of his, um, tiny Brett.
They claim the building is so loud. It’s really not. They pump in noise there – and, really, it’s pretty obvious. Listen to the crowd before they play “Welcome to the Jungle” – such a sophisticated choice in tunes, no one plays that! – and then listen while it’s playing. It’s like you snapped your fingers and the place became deafening. They’re just so passionate, though!
I hate how they call us ungrateful for now hating the man with the tiny, um, Brett. After everything he pulled on us – spending two-and-a-half years trying to make us look stupid – why wouldn’t we hate him? Nevermind that little fact that they spent 15 years calling him a drug addict, drunk and any other awful name you can think of. We should still love him. Clearly, they think we’re as stupid as he does.
I hate their head coach, the moronic little man with the “To Catch a Predator” mustache and whiny, trust-fun kid attitude. He learned under Andy Reid? What did he learn? Reid is one of the classiest, most professional gentlemen in the league. He sticks by his players. He never criticizes the referees. He takes blame on himself. Does Childress do any of these things? No – he picks fist fights with his guys. Brad, I have Bud Kilmer on line one – he says you’re a jerk.
(Yes, I know Bud Kilmer is a fictional character, but work with me here, people!)
That said, I don’t want Childress to be fired…yet. I want him to be on those sidelines Sunday. I want to see the look on his face when the Packers – the team from the “tiny toilet paper factory town,” as Gene jokingly says when doing his Vikings fan impression – come into that shoddy building and deliver the knockout blow on their season. Actually, it’ll be more than a knockout blow. It’ll bury him as head coach of the team (if, you know, he isn’t fired before then).
And if that happens, do not be surprised one bit if the quarterback – you know, the “tough guy” who always makes a point to bring up his injuries – walks away too, no doubt hiding behind one of his supposedly brutal injuries.
Yeah, I think this needs to happen. This organization, those players, those fans – they need to be knocked down a peg. They need to know they don’t compare with us. We’re fans of the Green Bay %&@*!@ Packers. We aren’t going anywhere.
They’re just fans of a team that might end up in L.A.