"Judas" doesn't work for you? Try these instead

It’s Tuesday, which means it’s time for our weekly post focusing on a more lighthearted aspect of the game.

This week, we’ll be talking about none other than Judas.

Yes, we hate his guts with a passion – for all you Packers “fans” who don’t, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to turn in your fan card at the door – but he’s also a perfect topic for some humor.

The places we could go with it are pretty much endless.

We could talk about:

• His stupid Sears commericials
• His irritating wife
• His likely made-up stories about how his kids wanted him to come back to “win another Super Bowl.” Seriously, man, using your children to justify your ridiculous behavior?
• The fact that he made the luckiest game-winning throw in the history of game-winning throws Sunday against the Niners (99 percent of the times he’s had to make a similar throw during his career, he’s been picked and we all know it).

(On that last topic, isn’t it funny how the national media praises the hell out of him when he hits one in a fairly meaningless early season game, yet they fail to rip him when he throws a pick that cost his team a shot to go to the Super Bowl?)

But, no, we’re not going to go to any of those places (even though we just kind of did).

We’re going to talk, simply, about his name.

Since this whole saga between him and the Queens began, we’ve stuck with calling him Judas. It makes sense. Both are epic, legendary backstabbers. The actual Judas is, of course, worse – but not really by much since, for many of us, the Packers likely qualify as our religion.

But what if calling him Judas just doesn’t work for you? What other nickname could you use?

After some careful consideration, I’ve put together a list…and here it is:

1. “The old man” – It makes sense since, well, he’s old. And if you say it with just the right amount of anger in your voice, you make it sound like he’s a disgusting old bag who needs to wear diapers and flips off little kids. But you have to make it clear that you don’t hate ALL old people – just this old person. A tricky balance, indeed.
2. “Brent” – This is a good one because, by using it sincerely, you can give off the impression that you’re a little unclear on his first name. He played for your team for a long time, but you don’t really remember him because you try to block out memories of quarterbacks who kill your team with picks, pad their stats with touchdowns late in blowouts and keep the organization hanging every offseason because they have the attention span of a three-year old on LSD. You’re weird like that.
3. “Fav-ruh” – If you hate idiot, hillbilly southerners who spell their names one way, yet pronounce them differently as though they had the name right, but were too drunk off of something that came out of a jug with “XXX” on it when they were handing out names, this is right up your ally. It ties in with the No. 2 name on this list in that, by calling him this, you’re making it known very quickly that you have no respect for him and you hate his guts.
4. “BF” – I have to be very careful how I write about this one. Let’s just say “BF” could be, to some, used as a shortening up of a certain sex act. Can I say anymore? Nope, I really can’t.
5. “Graybu – You know what? I’m just going to stop myself right there on that one, too.
6. “The old diva” – Again, fairly accurate. But do you really think people like Tina Turner or Aretha Franklin want to be grouped in with this clown? That’s not fair to them.
7. “Mr. Hung on too long” – The evidence is mountain-high that this is the case with him, so you won’t really have to defend yourself if you were to use this one. And when he suffers that horrific injury that will likely end his career as a result of playing behind the most overrated o-line in the league, you really won’t have to defend yourself.

Is seven a good number to stop on? Yeah, I think so.

Seven’s a lucky number. But more than that, it’s the number of points a team gets, with the PAT, when they intercept an old, washed-up joke of a quarterback and take the pick to the house, embarassing said QB in front of a national audience.

Get ready, Judas. It’s coming.

-Chris Lempesis